Acknowledge that you want to be creative at an early age, preferably before the discovery of sex but after you’ve begun to sense that a part of you is missing on the inside. How does one discover that a part of themselves is missing? Put your left hand against your ribs and press until you feel a slight discomfort. Release. Feel the lingering pressure, the phantom pushing, then move to your chest and press using your left hand again. This is an awkward thing to do and you will not feel any sort of lingering pressure after the hand has stopped pushing because you were unable to push hard enough. Feel inadequate for six seconds and be sure to count it out using the Spanish you picked up from the Mexican girl in your elementary school classroom. Struggle over the Spanish word for six. Say it correctly. Good. 

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Somewhere in Sacramento

i fixate on mexican lovegrass,

find websites marking maps

with sightings, comb my memory

for moments i may have crossed

its path. i chew on its latin name

like bubblegum i don’t intend to

blow— sometimes people ask me

to pronounce my last name &

i reply however you want.

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The bulimia drank 10 glasses of champagne. The bulimia, drunk 

at a Gala, drops an empanada. The bulimia, on all fours gathering 

the dropped food and scattered garnishes, realizes he’s causing a scene.

The bulimia pulls himself together, smiles, and throws the food away.

The bulimia, having entered the multi-stall men’s restroom, discovers that

his white button-up is stained with empanada juices. The bulimia washes 

the middle and pointer finger on his right hand because if he’s going to 

put anything in his mouth it might as well be clean. The bulimia picks 

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A New Journey Ahead

Dean Steven Howell will never admit it, but he really is Pacific's Cool Dean. Anyone who has spent more than five minutes in a room with him (or on Zoom post-March 2020) would have to agree. Each time he would greet someone it was impossible not to notice the excitement and happiness in his voice. "How are you?" was never just a cordial greeting; it was a genuine question. Yes, the conversation would eventually shift back onto work, but it has always been people first for Steve. As a leader, as an educator and as a friend, personal relationships have always come first. 

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Sunflowers

Uncle—they grew like beanstalks 

toward the graying sky. 

To me, my world had twenty suns

all lined in a row along your house. 

When they wilted—yellow curling

into a brittle brown—I took their seeds

and scattered them over your soil.

In five years I would scatter you the same way.

Ashes to soil, sun to seed.